The Tortoise and The Hare is an Actual Thing

Yes it is! Check it out here.

The Tortoise and the Hare in Real Life

I found that funny and somewhat comforting. Anyway!

Hey! Today I ran further than I have run in 5 months. How far is that? 7km. Remember when I joked about going from Comrades back to the couch? My Journey From the Couch to The Comrades Marathon…and Back to the Couch Well truth may be stranger than my non-fiction. Last time I really ran a race was in May (that’s when I hopped the last 2km of RAC 10km race). I also ran the Take 5 relay in June, but I really shouldn’t have because I couldn’t walk at that point and it was just a few weeks later that I became imprisoned in a moon boot, with the horrifying news that I would not be running SOX, my goal race for which I had paid an obscene amount of money. I could still go to SOX with EP, but I couldn’t run. I couldn’t even take a leisurely stroll in the forests. I hobbled a bit into forests in my moon boot, but that was about it. So I was very diligent while I was in the moon boot and I went swimming. While others were running, I was swimming. But swimming is so fucking boring, I was starting to hate my life. And so I turned to that ultimate comforter, food, snacks, coke, chips, biscuits, CUPCAKES. If it’s on a dietician’s list of things to avoid, I ate ’em! And lots of them! It made me feel better about things, okay! I was still going to Satan’s Sister for gym, but what with me confined to my boot, there were only some things that I could do. And so I ballooned. I now weigh the same as what I did before I started training for Comrades 6 years ago.

So the moon boot came off and, even though I had been swimming, I was totally unfit. and , what’s even worse, I was still in pain! I could hardly walk, never mind run. So I decided to do something different. I had heard good things about a physio in Fourways. (I know it’s hard to believe any good can come from Fourways) But if he was good enough for an 8 times Comrades gold medallist, then I was sure he’d be good enough for me.

I’m quite open-minded, having studied iridology and always been interested in homoeopathy and other quantum sciences, but I was still amused at what greeted me at my first ‘physio’ appointment with Adrian Stevens. He drew me a picture of my body. Well it wasn’t my body, but a decent fascimile of my body showing it all curvy. It was not curvy in the picture because of all the cupcakes, although in real life it was curvy because of all the cupcakes. It was curvy because, well basically, my alignment was FUBAR! So Adrian sat down in front of me with his legs crossed like a 6 year old listening to the teacher read a story. He did all these tests on alignment by pressing and pulling and pushing and going “Aaah” and “okay, strange”, and “aha”. Then he pulled out a telephone directory and a pair of scissors and some sticky tape and proceeded to fashion a wedge for my shoes. It was literally like watching a 6 year old. Then he told me to lie on the plinth and he proceeded to shake and pull and push and flick various parts of me, but not my actual foot that was sore, strangely enough. I will say that it was an unusual experience, as have been the 3 or 4 subsequent appointments, all complete with telephone directory and sticky tape and scissors.

But today I ran 7 kilometres which is 7 more than I was running 2 months ago and 5 more than I was running 3 weeks ago. This week I ran 17 kilometres in total which is a lot more than I have run in the past 4 months. Yesterday I ran the very difficult Albertsfarm Parkrun in just 33 minutes. I realised, as I volunteered after my run and as many people came rushing over the finish line in 50 minutes and more, how very fortunate I am at this very time in my life. I can’t run far and running is very hard because I’m carrying my extra bag of dog food (which looked like cupcakes when I picked it up) and I’m just basically unfit. But all the gym I’ve been doing and the disciplined return to running and my kindergarten physio has clearly been beneficial and I can look forward to even longer distances and faster times.

Another thing I realised while I’ve been getting fatter recovering: We have a ridiculous benchmark in South Africa. I’ve had so many people say that they recently ran a race “But it was only 5km/10km/21km.” I get very sad when they say that. 5km, 10km or 21km are incredible achievements. They are all distances which most people will never run. People say “only 21km”! People actually say that! I challenge you to get in your car and drive 21km and then imagine running that far. That’s very far! Especially to run. The Comrades Marathon has given our country such an unfair benchmark by which we judge ourselves as runners. It’s a stupid distance run by stupid people and although every South African should run the Comrades Marathon, no-one should run the Comrades Marathon. I want to say to you today, if you are reading this and you’ve run a Parkrun or any 5km (but really run it, not strolled around like a loser looking for your Vitality points), you’re an amazing athlete and you can be proud of your achievement. If you’ve run a 10km, keep at it. Keep trying to get your 10km time faster. Many people in other less crazy places in the world will train their entire lives to achieve a 10km race. If you’ve run a 10km, Well done! That’s a remarkable achievement. If you’ve run a 21km, I am humbled by you. Half a marathon is a ridiculous distance which most athletes will never attempt because it’s really far to run and it makes a person dig into human reserves which go way beyond the physical.

I truly appreciate these thoughts now as I can only just manage 5km or 6km without pain. And I really respect people who go out to strive for a goal that isn’t the Comrades Marathon because I realise how hard it can be to run 5km or 10km or 21km. By the way, 21km seems totally inaccessible to me at the moment, but I have one or two more sessions with my kindergarten physio, so I’ll keep it in the back of my mind. Right now, I hope to one day be able to run 10km. That seems like a reasonable stretch goal for me.

Yours in achievable milestones.


Oh by the way, on a somewhat related note, today I saw a baby goat riding on a tortoise’s back. Yes I did!

Are We Having Fun?

Yes indeed! Running is fun.

It has come to my attention that this might not be the case for everyone. Running races are especially fun for me. It seems that races are even less fun for these poor buggers for whom running appears not to be so much fun. Who are these poor creatures for whom running is not so much fun? The poor creatures who are not having so much fun are, in fact, the Illuminati. I know, right? How could the Illuminati not be having fun? What wouldn’t be fun about lapping your fellow runners multiple times at track? What wouldn’t be fun about winning a prize for running? What wouldn’t be fun about taking a nice easy run and still averaging a pace of 4:05/km.

The first time I heard of this ludicrous concept of an Illuminati that might not find this whole thing fun was when I was talking to a Grand Master South Afrian champion. She is invited to run all over the world. Her entries are paid to all the best races in the world. Even in her 60s, she’s winning money and getting admired everywhere. But she told me a while back that, with her sponsorship comes an obligation to attend press conferences and stay behind at races for hours after she’s finished and showered and dying to get home to her couch or family just so that she can have her photo taken with the sponsors’ logos and brand ambassadors and so on. Okay, I got how that might make me a bit grumpy. But still. That’s a small price to pay for the accolades and privileges that come with the territory of professional sport.

The real reason, however, became apparent to me last week as I stood in the parking lot after track. I was talking to the Illuminati about running Spirit of Flight. Now, as far as running goes, this race is fun. It’s fun, damnit! Allegedly, you run 10km on the runway of a military airport. There are old army planes and trucks and hangars around the place and it’s flat and fast so you can manage a PB if you try even just a bit. Doesn’t that sound fun? Yes. It sounded fun to me so I was going to run it. I asked them if they were going to join. One was keen and the other was less than impressed with the suggestion. She told us that she’s not at her best yet and someone else will be there and they’ll beat her and she can’t handle that because she’s already getting enough abuse from her running friends for her “out of shapeness”. And that would be terrible. I wondered for a tiny moment if she has such friends who would mock her about her “out of shapeness” (she still laps me 4 or 5 times at track and I’ve improved tremendously!) or if that was the voice in her head beating her up. My friends would never make fun of me for being in bad shape… because…my shape couldn’t get much worse than it is so it would be like crying in the rain. What I’m trying to say is the Illuminati should get other friends or different voices.

I walked away from that conversation with a heavy heart and I felt guilty. You know how I’ve been whining about not loving running so much any more? I suddenly realised that my running is a much nicer illegal marriage than the Illuminati marriages. I asked one of them why they hate racing so much and this is how they explained: At Illuminati level, you’re always on show. You’re always competing. Your best is never good enough if on the day someone else’s best is better than your best. My running is hard because it’s against me. When I do a crap time it’s because I did a crap time all on my own. My own voices made me walk. My own saboteur arrived on the day. But I’m only competing against myself and a clock. Even when Illuminati do a good time, it might not be good enough and there’s no-one to blame for that except… well… you’re just not good enough to beat the best on that day. I would hate to be married to their running.

And so, because I view it as my personal mission to fix everyone’s life (I’m especially good at fixing marriages), I told the Illuminati that they shouldn’t run Spirit to compete. They should run it for fun. Ringmaster Dave, the coach, frowned upon that and came up with a most elaborate plan to have them compete first, have fun later. The plan sounded unfun on all fronts and he ruined my attempts at making this a fun event for at least the Illuminati. My plan had them arriving at the race and telling their fellow Illuminati that they would not be racing but that they would be pacing some of us to get personal best times for the 10km and then, if they felt like racing, they still could do so, but without any pressure, knowing, of course, that if they decided to race, they would leave all of us half-bakeds languishing in the doldrums without a clue.

They both seemed like they took the bait. When we (Christien, Liezel and Illuminati Michelle and I travelled there together) arrived at the race on Saturday, one Illuminati had a pacing chart for me and a big smile. One was already standing at the front, frowning and bouncing nervously from one foot to another. She did not look like she was about to have fun. Other Illuminati came running up to us all similarly uniformed and looking famous and intimidating. I wasn’t impressed…because I didn’t care. Even if I stripped 25% of my personal best time for a 10km I still wouldn’t have a hope in hell of beating any of them. That’s hilarious when I type it like that. Hilarious to me. I’m sure they must have looked menacing to the other Illuminati there.

I’ll be honest. I did not enjoy running this race. I did not have one single ounce of fun. The route was changed the night before because of an important military vehicle which had to land on the airstrip and so we found ourselves running a trail run, not on a pristine potholeless runway as expected. Add to this the ludicrous hills that peppered this short 10km route and the fact that I was afraid of disappointing Illuminati pacers and several people who were expecting me to run a PB, I was not having fun. There was also a very sneaky, deceptive finish. To be fair, I ran my little toes right off the ends of my feet and so it is to be expected that I might not have been enjoying the running because I was at the edge of my ability. The Illuminati helped me to run a personal best 10km of 53:01. It was probably more than that because the route was actually 9.63km long and not a full 10km, but I’ll take it anyway. I’m going to pretend I didn’t have a fancy Garmin bossing me around, making me feel shit about myself. I ran a PB 10km in 53:01.

Everyone ran PBs and not because the route was 370m short, but serious PBs – 10 minutes faster than their previous PBs, some of them. One of my Illuminati came 2nd and, when I finished, both were smiling like they’d had fun. We all were. So during the run I didn’t have much fun, but that was only 53 minutes of my life that were not fun. Everything before and everything since has been fun. I didn’t lie awake the night before stressing. Okay, that’s a lie. I stressed because I felt like I had to do 53 but thought I was only capable of 55 so sleep was restless. But I didn’t feel the pressure that the Illuminati seem to feel. I had fun standing waiting for the race to start. I had a laugh as we crowded round the first corner and got squashed against a gate. I made a joke about a hangar/er. I smiled as we turned a corner and I got to see all those people who were behind me in the race. I had Illuminati encouraging me all the way. I had fun ambling forward chatting the few monosyllables I could gasp out as we lined up in the medals queue at the end. And of course, there was that PB. I had fun!

I’m going to keep getting better and maybe one day I’ll be able to compete with really phenomenal runners. That’s my 2053 Octogenarian Games plan, anyway. But I will first ensure that I always have fun. I will make having fun more important than winning. Maybe I can say that with conviction because, until 2053, I won’t win, but I don’t want to win at all costs. Running must be fun for me. I know I’ve been whinging lately about not having fun, but I realise now, that I have been having fun and I’ll keep having fun until 2053 when I must get serious about this stuff and stop having fun!

Yours in the fun of running
Slow Coach

P.S. Illuminati reading this, I hope you find the fun that I find in every race.

Kosmos 3-in-1 (3 out of 3)

93. You know, my gran died at the age of 94. On Christmas day, a few months before she died she had taken a soft tumble down a carpeted stair onto the very soft buttocks of my sister, Saskia, which had at once left Saskia incredibly surprised, me roaring with laughter as I untangled the two of them and granny most embarrassed. I cried that afternoon as we helped her into the car and she said: “I’m sorry I was such a nuisance today. I was fine until I was 90, but I’ve kind of gone down hill since then.” I miss her regularly on my runs. She was a very righteous woman. She was very kind to me and she was incredibly interesting. Unfortunately, I only realised how interesting when she died and we were packing all her stuff into boxes. I’ve kept most of that stuff as a reminder of where I come from and how I should be remembered when I die. She was formidable. Ridiculously independent. She lived on her own for 25 years after my grandfather died. She walked to the shops, she played bowls, she crocheted, she had tea. She died one day as she was preparing to take a bath. No suffering, no deterioration, except of course, from 90 to 94 when she felt she had become a nuisance to all of us.

As I started the 10km and the cold air had sufficiently cooled my muscles, I felt like gran must have felt that Christmas day she fell on Saskia. My legs just wouldn’t do what I wanted them to do. I was shocked at the rapid deterioration. I had walked to the start okay. What was this? It’s like someone had removed my legs’ oily bits and they’d seized up. I tried to run a few steps, walked, shuffled, groaned and resigned myself to the fact that they did not want to run and so I’d have to walk. People streamed past me on the sand road. As I reached the tar, an ex-colleague, Maurice, run up next to me and encouraged me to run forward. I started running and he and I ran together slowly for 2kms. He was much faster than me and I could tell I was keeping him back. I told him to go ahead as I was going to walk. And that’s what I did. I tried to run. Seriously, I tried to run, but either my legs or my brain were having none of it. I walked to the 5km mark. When I saw that 5km and realised I was only half way through this race and I was just pathetically walking like I had done 1000s of kilometres ago when I had first started running, I started crying. Sobbing. How had this happened? My glute was sore. My ankle was sore. My achilles was sore. And those were the parts that were still working. Was I ever going to run without pain? Was I ever going to be a super athlete like the Illuminati? Hahahaha! Well we certainly know that answer to that last question, now don’t we? It’s funny how you lose perspective when you’re tired and miserable. I had run 42km without an ounce of pain and I’d managed a decent time. I’d only started to suffer half way into the 21km and it was still manageable pain. I was 68kms into the day at this point and so I lost all perspective and I cried. I put my head down and I cried into my sunglasses. Joseph came running up behind me. He called my name as he approached. I ignored him. He asked me if I was okay. I shook my head silently without looking up. He asked me if I was crying. I nodded without lifting my head. He asked me if he could help or if I needed anything. I shook my head silently without looking up. Still sobbing. Misery certainly didn’t love company on this one.

Many more people streamed past me. People who really shouldn’t pass me. Ever! They all passed me which didn’t help my misery. As I neared the 6km mark without a watch still, (but I think the kilometre from 5km had probably taken me 10 or 15 minutes) Rick and another friend came running up to me. Rick greeted me and then with surprise asked me, “Are you crying?” “Yes.” I whimpered. “Why are you crying?” he asked, still surprised. “Well….I um….well…” A million good psychological reasons filtered through my brain, but none of them were able to provide a logical explanation to myself or Rick about why I was crying at that point in what was proving to be a phenomenal personal victory. I really didn’t know why I was crying and, not having any logical reason to cry, I decided to carry on running. I started running and ran and ran the rest of the way. I passed Rick and his friend. I thanked them. I passed other people and thanked those who had asked me if I was okay as they passed me. I thanked Joseph and Caroline as I passed them. I ran 3kms very well and, as I approached that last kilometre, who did I happen upon, but my dear friend, Diepkloof Harry. It was so wonderful to see him and we greeted each other with surpirse, joy and love. I was briefly reminded of the scene from Lion King where Nala and Simba reunite for the first time since Simba had run away. (Obviously without the “I just tried to eat your best friend” part). I’ve missed Harry. Since I’ve been going to track, my speed has improved and I’m running much faster, so friends like Harry are now about 5 or 10 minutes behind me on races. I wish he would come with me to track so that he, like me, can become faster and run with me.

Harry and I finished the Kosmos 3-in-1 together. It was appropriate to do so. As I approached the timing mats, Justin asked me where my hop, skip and jump were. I laughed and managed a pathetic hop as I went over the mat. My head had pulled myself together, but my legs were just hanging in there so I couldn’t do my previous elated, exuberant jump in the air. It didn’t change the feeling. 73.3kms for the day. What an amazing thing to do! What a totally crazy thing to do! Everyone who is preparing for Comrades should do that race. It’s a lovely day out. Picnicking, swimming, running, sleeping in the sun. It’s a truly South African day out and it’s probably a better benchmark for your Comrades readiness than an ultra of 50-60kms. I think. One should probably ask anyone who knows anything about that.

The past week has been euphoric with many people congratulating me and showering me with love for having completed the whole day’s running. I came back to earth with a massive bump on Saturday when I returned to track (since the race, I had only managed a 10km on Friday) and was reminded about how average I am! Lol! Halfway into the warm up run with Illuminatis, I felt like my chest was going to explode and an aneurysm was brewing in my left brain. They were motoring along chatting and breathing slowly. I was panting like a large dog with it’s head hanging out a car window! Michelle and I were given similar track programmes except she was given 4 sets of 1200m. I was given 3 sets. She lapped me on set 2. Lol! I had made a rookie error at Kosmos and worn my freebie Adidas shoes for the marathon and changed to Asics for the shorter races. It occurred to me on Saturday during the post track session 8km time trial that my achilles has been getting worse and worse since the addition of the Adidas shoes, even though they are ridiculously comfortable to run in. So no more long or hilly runs in the Adidas. Asics will be my Comrades shoe this year and I’ve got a few more weeks of rehab for the achilles and glute. Rookie lesson learned. But no-one can take this away from me.

No-one can take this away....well, a burglar could, but you know what I mean.

No-one can take this away….well, a burglar could, but you know what I mean.

And at least I don’t have to give the shirt back……

Yes I did! No refund policy on the shirt!

Yours in the love of running and running 

Slow Coach